Air Date: January 1st, 1996
The description for the first episode of Raw in 96 is as follows:
"The squared circle collides with the gridiron as WWE presents the first ever Raw Bowl. Diesel takes on King Mabel in the main event."
If that doesn't hype up a non-football fan, I don't know what will... also; how dare WWE threaten me with a Mabel main event. Cruel individuals run this company.
ONTO THE SHOW! THE FIRST - AND ONLY - RAW BOWL!
The show opens with an excited Vince McMahon throwing to rowdy fans outside the arena, all yelling "RAW BOWL!", obviously not knowing what kind of shit show they're in for. Poor saps.
Jim Ross has been nicknamed "Jimbo" Jim. Delightful.
The mullet on Lawler is out of control.
Bart and Billy, the Smoking Gunns, are out first. They actually seem excited to be there. How many drugs did they have to take to get in the mood for thi-- don't answer that!
Yoko and Owen are next. Owen looks as happy to be there as a child going to Church.
Razor and Savio Vega are third. Goldust's usher hands Razor a box while he's making his entrance. It's what I assume to be roses. Razor, a dick, beats up the usher. Haven't you ever heard the saying, 'don't shoot the messenger,' Razor?
Sid and Kid, Kid and Sid, Sid, Kid, Kid, Sid are the final entrants in this match. Their name rhymes, and that's about all they have in common. They seem like they would've made a fun full-time tag team though.
Owen and Bart start in 3-point stances. Owen charges at Bart, who uses his well-known technical expertise to get the better of Owen, ending with Owen tagging in to Billy... which leaves us with the question: why don't one of the Gunns just pin the other? DX, which Billy was apart of, would do it years later. Maybe this is where Billy got the idea, but he was too shy to try it until he found a partner that instilled confidence in him, like the Road Dogg.
The Gunns - like idiots - actually start wrestling each other when they could've just went and tagged out to someone else. The total IQ of the Gunns: 67. Thankfully, this doesn't last long, as they both go and tag Owen and Yoko, after some brief exchanges between the two.
Apparently you must make physically contact before you can tag someone else. Why not just do a fingerpoke, and tag? Nope - Yoko actually shoulder blocks Owens.
Owen tags Savio Vega, and if there's anything I've learned from my years of watching wrestling, it's that Savio vs a fat guy ALWAYS equals a quality wrestling match. Can't wait for this exchange...
Yoko misses the fattest elbow drop I have ever seen, proving that the Samoan Japanese man doesn't know how to play American Football.
Yoko regains control and tags in the Kid. Savio almost scores a 3 on Kid with a spinning heel kick. kinda ironic. Good little back and forth between the two, something I would've liked to have seen more of. Kid is saved by Sid and tags Owen back in to face off with Savio. Still not Sid or Razor tagged into this match - probably saving it for the end.
Owen tags Savio with a spinning heel kick, a move that's becoming quite frequent in this particular match. Tag to Razor, and a tag to Bart. What a strange match-up... don't worry, it doesn't last long - Sid gets tagged in to the biggest pop so far in the match. Love him or hate him: Sid always felt like a star, and was treated as such, by bookers and fans.
Bart Gunn vs Sid - Bart levels Sid with a clothesline, and takes him up for a very impressive stalling vertical suplex. I'm honestly very impressed by how Bart performed against Sid. Bart tags Savio and we have a dream match. Doesn't last long, as Sid tags Owen. Owen hits Savio with a... you guessed it: spinning heel kick.
ad break, and when we come back, Owen is in control as Savio as he tags the kid in. Not much is happening right now, other than the frequent, and I do mean frequent, tagging in a out. It's kinda hard to keep up with when trying to type, If I'm being honest. Kid and Savio square off, and I'll be amazed if there isn't a spin kick somewhere in this scuffle between the two... and low and behold, there it is. Kid takes Savio's head off with a spinning heel kick.
There's a double screen now with Brother Love giving a sermon to the players in the Raw Bowl with his eyes closed. This is funny, because as we all know, the match is currently going on and Love looks like an idiot. WWE comedy is always the best comedy.
I hope Razor or Sid attempt a spin kick. That'd take this match into 5 star territory.
Razor tags in from Savio, and we finally have a Razor/Kid confrontation, one of the big feuds going into this match. They have a nice little sequence going, culiminating with Razor hitting Kid with the fall-away slam and Kid calling for a time-out... and getting it, because it's the mother fucking Raw Bowl.
Razor hits the Razor's Edge anyway.
Play "resumes", and Sid attacks Razor from behind with a wicked clothesline, and Kid pins Razor to eliminate the team of Savio and Razor.
They show a replay, and they scribble on the screen like they do in actual Football... I think.
Owen takes to the skies with a flying headbutt... and headbutts nothing but the "field". Tag to Billy, who proves why he's won a million tag titles by running wild on everyone, including managers like Cornette - who is wearing a very dapper blue suit with red trimming.
Owen sets up Billy to get Banzai dropped by Yoko, but the Gunns reverse it, and Owens lands in Billy's spot. Owen gets squashed by fat. Owens and Yoko eliminated from Raw Bowl.
The final two teams are Sid/Kid and Billy/Bart. Sid and Billy to start, and Sid gains the advantage with power... and cheating on the outside by Kid. The commentary team is busy talking about the Huckster, the Nacho Man, and Scheme Gene. Commentary never changes in WWE.
Billy "Billys" up from a Sid chinlock... and gets booted in the mush. Hulk Hogan, he is not.
Speaking of the Hulkster; Sid crushes Gunn with a leg drop, right after a big boot... and gets a two... right after they discuss the Huckster... could this have been a subtle way for the WWE to take a jab at Hogan? Surely they wouldn't be that petty... BAHAHAHA!
Billy gets a small package on Sid, who easily kicks out. No size package can effect Sid. Sid unloads his horrid punches, and ends up chokeslamming Billy, to a pop. People love Sid. And now I love Sid, because he goes over and punts Bart off the apron for no reason other than to be a douche.
Razor is back out here and distracts Kid as Billy gets a roll-up and a victory in the FIRST EVER, (and only), Raw Bowl.
Rating: ***1/2
I enjoyed that. Match had a lot of time and everyone had a chance to shine. It's rare for a match on Raw to get this much time - 20+ minutes - back in the 95/96 era when they only had an hour. It was clunky in spots, certainly, and they overused spin kicks, but apart from those small issues, it was a perfectly fine Raw match.
Next Segment is a Raw Bowl "half-time" report, with the most agitating man in the history of wrestling: Doc Hendrix. 2-minutes with him is 2-minutes too long. He jibbers, jabbers, probably says something racist to Mark Henry, and annoys everyone.
Next, they show us the entire Hog Pen match. Couldn't the Raw bowl have been given another 10 minutes instead? Although, it's kinda nice seeing jobber HHH get slopped and abused by two hillbillies.
I also just remembered Mabel vs Diesel is the main event... please, repeat the Hog Pen match a few more times.
Hunter bleeding from the back and taking back bumps in the hog pen guarantees his main event push for the rest of his career.
Main event time. Expect a classic.
Mabel out on his throne, carried by two people that will forge a future as Broken individuals: Matt and Jeff Hardy.
Diesel out next. #BlackGlovesMatter.
I liked Diesel's tweener character after his 95 title run. Having a guy who is cool with fans as long as they're wearing his merchandise, and spiteful of those who don't, is a good idea. They teased it with Cena briefly in 2013 and went no where with it, and they teased it with Roman Reigns post-WM 32 when he said, "I'm not a good guy, I'm not a bad guy, I'm THE guy." That character shift does work well for a face that is getting booed. WWE currently tends to suffer from a lot of disquieting when trying to turn a top face in this era. Turning a guy like Roman or Cena completely heel would be very aberrant of the company, and I don't expect that to change anytime soon, even with the rumours of a Roman Reigns heel turn soon. People have been hearing rumours of a Cena heel turn for at least a decade.
Mabel misses a charge in the corner at Diesel, who instantly takes over due to his large foes mistake. Diesel hits a big boot and... my fucking god, It's over!
Wow. Smart booking. No one wanted to see a long Diesel/Mable match, so they booked it to only last a few seconds. Like Goldberg vs Lesnar, they couldn't have made a smarter booking choice.
Mo takes a Jacknife, because Mabel sure as hell can't.
Rating: SQUASH!
King wants to get an interview with Diesel... but Diesel steals his woman and leaves. Big Sexy, indeed.
Backstage, and The Brooklyn Brawler tries to give the Gunns a Lombardi trophy... I'm sure there's a Football joke here somewhere, but I'm not afraid to admit, it went completely over my head. ALl the faces beat Brawler up for presenting the Gunns with his best work.
That's pretty much the end of Raw: There's a segment announcing Vader and Diesel in the Rumble, and a skit involving The Huckster, Nacho Man, and Gene, but nothing worth recapping.
Overall: This show was good fun. The match that should've been given time, was given time, and the match that should've been short, was short. The segments in between were dumb and forgettable, and there's nothing on the show you'll likely remember by next week, but for an hour of your day, it's worth watching.
***
